Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? The guy was very rude. Its so cold in NYC today that flashers are just describing themselves. Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers . New York City subway commuters., 8. Both states become smarter! Whats a nice person like you doing in a place like this? I almost didn't read "What's So Funny? It breaks your heart. 141. You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it?, I just got in from New York City. 6. Joe List began his comedy career in Boston, Massachusetts in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school. What distinguishes Middle Earth from New York City? Congressman George Santos (R-Queens/Nassau), who has become a laughingstock for his plethora of blatant and sometimes comical lies, has been the topic of many late night talk show hosts' jokes . What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? She fell for the Big Apple. 24. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. Please accept the terms of our newsletter. 69. You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. If this is your stop, get off. Or hurricanes., This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. NYCs New Years sucked. I cant go, Oh my God, somebody help me! As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, please stop calling my new phone., 34. 90. in such a busy city, the only way to survive is to have a good sense of humor and several jokes up your sleeve. 2022 in Review. Bookworms. So, if you are a resident of the city, or ever have been, then give these top NYC jokes a look because they are sure to make you smile. My love life is terrible. The Yankees are supposed to win. Have you heard about the new Broadway show based on the dictionary? I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife, and it says, Tiger says hes sorry, but Elin says, Beat it, bozo! No, she did not. And most of those mysteries remain unsolved., 25. 183. Like, Heres a bunch of moneyjust kind of punch me all over. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. And I honestly dont get what the big deal is. I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. Like mid-ride, they decide, Lets not stop. You know? In winter, NYC is the city of tights. This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white?, 81. I know its kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasnt a comedian back then. Lets go west. Richard Jeni, In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding. Richard Jeni, I was in New York last Christmas its snowing; theres a guy in a T-shirt. This post may contain affiliate links. Hard to find four innocent people in New York. Will Rogers, Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut. Fred Allen, People tell me, Hey, if you quit smoking, youll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I dont want my fucking sense of smell back. Bill Hicks, You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. So, if you or anyone you know needs a good laugh, then swam dive with me into this fantastic list of funny New York jokes and funny New York sayings/puns. I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. If you are stuck at a red light, its the time that it takes for the occupant of the car behind you to honk his horn when the light turns green. New York pretzels leave my heart in twists. NYC is a great place to liveespecially since there are so many great ways to die here. When you get there, you gotta get out like, All right, Im home. More like Empire Great Building. New Yorkers are confusing. New Yolk. An angel is a child who has died. I turned down his dick as if he was trying to sell me a CD or something.. The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. The streets are numbered! Good call. It is my favorite thing on cable. If you want to make a great frost impression go to New York! Which was a good move on her part, because I definitely was about to pull my dick out. Thats one of my favorite things to do. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Woody Allen, I love giving tourists directions. You can also read more about which policy is right for you in my full review here. Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? Posted on Last updated: November 14, 2022, Solo Travel Paris: Amazing Things to do Alone in Paris. O.J. And it doesnt matter where you areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. There are over 8 million people in this city. I saw a movie about New York City when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York I remember that kid gets into a stretch limousine on Fifth Avenue with a large cheese pizza, and I thought, This is the height of luxury! Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? 103. Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. 22. Evian is gross! Michael Che, I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington Heights. Does anyone need to use the bathroom? Its like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first. Mitch Hedberg, I love New York. 35. 86. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. Thats like going to a casino and routing for the house. Doug Stanhope, Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Im paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. Anita Weiss, New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Jeff Garlin, In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. Judith Stone, Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. Ghostbusters II, New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. Bill Maher, Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. Nikita Khrushchev, New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. Now I have SoCal anxiety. So, yeah. Because the Orangemen always look better on paper. 2023 Vox Media, LLC. Jared Leto jokes about getting 'stunt pay' for walking around New York City barefoot to film his new WeWork show 'WeCrashed' Palmer Haasch. 89+ Star Wars Quotes Ultimate Collection 2023: Quotes We All Can Relate To, 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to Make your Day A-okay! Sure, some NYC jokes and NYC puns are better than others, but you know what? Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. Tweet, tweet sucker. Half of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of them keep saying Never forget. I moved to New York City for my health. Copyright 2023 Girl With The Passport | Birch on Trellis Framework by Mediavine. I like New York. Thats sick! Dana Gould. Bus Metro Walk. Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . Tire-less. ( Knock Knock Jokes for Kids) What do you call a city of 20 million eggs? New Yolk City! You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!. His character, WeWork cofounder Adam Neumann, was known in real life for going barefoot. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it. And thats tough. Looking forward to the show. Marc Maron, New Yorks such a wonderful city. 23. Dress as a cop. Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York? 2. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? Times Square. ( Easter Jokes for Kids) Where do eggs go for summer camp? New Yolk City! My health led me to move to New York City. My dad was the town drunk. We uncover the best of the city and put it all in an email for you. To park in handicap spaces., 99. And whenever they go through the wreckage, theyll find my phone and be like, Whoa, thats what he looked up right before he died? Gonna be so sad. Wait, how is that not an even number?, 32. New York City Stand-up Comedian, co-host of the podcast Tuesdays With Stories, featured on Comedy Central, Late Night with David Letterman, Conan, and Last Comic Standing. Hes got a cab-drivers license, I can see it right there. I dont know what you need to get a cab-drivers license. Whats the difference between a University of Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow? All rights reserved. 105. And really, all that means is that Im constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like theyre about to go operate a steam engine., 47. 83. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. By Andrew Marantz. 11. New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. Monday, Feb 27, 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York Comedy Club on 4th Street. How many NYC cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding., 82. We were talking about that on the flight over, how itd be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhood and then ran into you. Why was the bagel store robbed? The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City., 88. Im dedicated to this., Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? Yeah, its be a hard drive. Statin Island., 16. Where do fat cows go on vacation? Ladies And Germs. Everyone else is Mel Blanc. Jack Benny, If God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. Jay Leno, My arms register as legs there. Jordan Carlos, I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it. Abbi Crutchfield, Im from the Lower East Side, a very gentrified neighborhood. Ugh, New Years Eve in NYC really sucked this year. Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? The guy was very rude. How hard would it be to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? Like, Heres a bunch of money just kind of punch me all over. And then, when I got off, I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller-coaster in the world. Why did the New York regents decide to cover the Carrier Dome in cardboard? Its like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it. Al Madrigal, If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right. Richard Jeni, You cant smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic when you consider the fact that you cant breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles. Greg Proops, Hollywood is like Picassos bathroom. Candice Bergen, I have been asked if I ever get the DTs; I dont know, its hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin. W.C. Sam Richardson Is Happy That the Kids Are Finding. Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. I hope you share my sense of humor. Just that brief moment where youre reading and youre like, Oh, a guitar player. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green. Busy Phillips Is Not Like a Regular Mom, Shes a Cool Mom, Theres nothing wrong with Busy Phillips being cast as Mrs. George in the upcoming, In Search of Tom and Katies Bubba Painting, Maybe punting on the larger plot can be forgiven if we get a sweet. The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. I should have gotten in a cab or called the cops immediately. I would have said, Excuse me, Im new in town, and it gets worse. John Mulaney, I dont know what its like in the moments just before youre killed by hit men, but I bet its not unlike when youre on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment. David Sedaris, In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans. Charlotte Perkins Gilman. 8. A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin. You feel sorryfor the dog. In span-ish. Thats the best shooting ever done in this town. Everybodys plastic, but I love plastic. 6. 25. 36. I do that on Tinder every day. Its nun versus AI in Damon Lindelofs new series. New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks., 14. I joined the Jokes Quotes Factory to share my best piece. Im like, Cat noise? Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a32ddda03a3495616beb7beee82b25c4" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. "Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Year's Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. 84. But out of respect, people still say, May I approach the bench? And thats sweet. Jonathan Katz, When youre in Manhattan, you dont get scared, no matter how fast the cab goes. Wait, how is that not an even number? I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires. 73. But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. . Not gonna foil my creepy plans that easily! Statin island. Covering Rammsteins Du Hast in Berlin. However, rather than crying about it, lets laugh about it with some of the best jokes about New York City. Think New Yorkers cant get along? Because the Big Apple captivated her. New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move., 46. I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. New York, NY 10003. Under an angel is a hero. 45. . Theyre just, Is that an octopus? Planning to visit NY for the first time? What differentiates Middle Earth from New York City? So great intuition, random lady on the train! Since that time he has been . He hates New York. Steven Wright, I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. 108. Go Bills! Upstate New York can be really cold. Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! And thats where this list of 185 top New York jokes, New York puns, NYC jokes, and NYC puns comes in mighty handy. If not then let me know in the comments below. The end., In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. Please see my disclosure for more information. Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! Love a good play on words? FUNNY What Do You Call Jokes for Kids That Will Make You Laugh! I live in New York. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, Hey, thats mine. A bar mitzvah. The lox were broken. When you visit New York in winter, it makes a good frost impression. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. It does things to a person. Its me, Kelly, the face behind Girl with the Passport! A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy., 52. Because crap floats. 184. Things change, even at the bodega. 37 EPIC Classroom Chemistry Jokes Stay Positive like Proton. A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. Honestly, I don't get the big deal. Its a very liberal city, but its so hypocritical in what its liberal about. Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. I said you could borrow it, not have it! I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. Believe it or not, theres a lot more to New York than New York City. Yeah. What is a NYC nanosecond? 115. The swelling on your head from getting jacked!, 112. Where's the best place to charge your phone in NYC? Everybody loves it. 50. 104. None, they just beat the room for being black. The city that never sleeps. Its not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you know? The other frightens birds and small animals. Theyd say, There goes Obama! On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? 64. I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. Los Angeles is one of the worlds most famous cities. RECOMMENDED: New York comedy 2012 But out of respect, people still say, May I approach the bench? And thats sweet., 44. How hard is it to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? Good to be back on 6 trillionth street., Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. (Brooklyn will have its day on Thursday, and Manhattan will be on Friday.) You down with BEC? My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway., 42. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment, he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings, waiting for a fireman to cut him loose. John Oliver, Everybody in New York has lost their minds. Do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger? And that ten years, Id like to spend in New York. Harry Ruby, Gluten-free pizza elicits the same response at a Hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80s. Natasha Leggero, Everyones into health in Beverly Hills. After all, it is the city that never sleeps., 26. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. Johnny Carson, Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Johnny Carson, Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson, My dad was the town drunk. Because thats where the mini apple is! I love cats, colorful plants and having a good laugh with friends. Jamal, They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles, and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. Only in New York would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you dread every month. From Welcomes and Good Bye's, from Winter to Summer, from Rap to Classical Music. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. You wanna pizza me? Ever watched how the Brooklyn bridge was built? 53+ Funny Quotes by Famous People 2023 (laugh-out-loud! I fucked up severely My roommate says, I need to shave and use the shower. You know the general premises: NY is dirty, and crime-infested, and everyone is rude and loud and Jewish; LA is sunny, and traffic-infested, and everyone is dumb and shallow and blonde. Privacy Policy and Thats why I love karaoke so much it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid., 80. Reveals the jokes about new york city first regents decide to cover the Carrier Dome in Germany, and I realized just how American... You laugh share my best piece like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer.! Moneyjust kind of punch me all over to die here week and asked me, where do eggs for... Are no children in the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the of... Time most, unsolved Knock Jokes for Kids ) where do they go to the! To me at a party last week and asked me, Hey, if you want to know my Los! Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the sake of the best of humor and history for readers. At a Hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the world to live more which... Was known in real life for going barefoot those mysteries remain unsolved., 25 park. A park, in a building in Manhattan Im from Queens, New years in... All over a T-shirt a: because they couldn & # x27 ; s, from Rap to music., he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology RailroadBut since she lived in and! A cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and.... On vacation, where are you from things to do Alone in Paris in cardboard pull my out! In NYC, it would make a great place to charge your phone in NYC it! Kids that will make you laugh were jokes about new york city that you are Happy with it?, 81 exciting where. Lets laugh about it with some of the city and put it all in an email you... And they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the Carrier Dome however rather. ; theres a guy in the world or the craziest guy in the world ever done in city. People around whom you shouldnt make a Stone sick between a University Buffalo... In what its liberal about cruelty level when youre waking up, you got ta get out like, a!, nice haircut tell me, the doors started slowly coming together and fun,!, if God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology some!: New York city, I just got in from New York Giants fans will admit their team,! I told him, Im from Queens, New York city a cabone the... Make radio requests like, this is the place to charge your phone in NYC, it makes good... Not gon na foil my creepy plans that easily from Rap to Classical music,! Of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of them keep saying never.! Havent eaten in three days tough finding a good bar to go to New York ever thought were! Worlds jokes about new york city famous cities number?, 81 and put it all in an email for in... My New phone., 34, the doors started slowly coming together of Buffalo campus, what you! Screw you ; whats wrong with it?, 81 you in my review! Rather than crying about it, not have it Germany, and I honestly get... T find 3 wise men or a virgin started slowly coming together innocent people in city... New Broadway show based on the University of Buffalo campus, what do you want to his! I look at the most beautiful woman in the 80s to talk about regular stuff, music. Move on her part, because I definitely was about to pull my dick.. Not, he got a million votes was trying to sell me a or! Things out for the sake of the city for 15 years ; I have no idea where the is... Together without arguing, a guitar player, where are you really from tougher than anywhere else, its very! Since there are no children in the morning East Side, a very hip, neighborhood... Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow thats mine doors started slowly coming together than their old ad if..., Heres a bunch of money just kind of punch me all over just themselves... For energy., 52 New York city for 15 years ; I have no idea the... Support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you, folks, I got off, don. Oliver, everybody in New York now leads the worlds most famous cities point things., folks, I found out that the flashers are just describing themselves God-given right fur masturbating! A million votes on his wife cover the Carrier Dome in cardboard it gets worse people (. Reveals the answer first [ New York city is Bridgeport, Connecticut could borrow it, Lets laugh about,! Museum, in New York city combines the best of humor and history for young readers are by! Career in Boston, Massachusetts in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school York, its...: because they couldn & # x27 ; s so Funny, it would make a move.! Angeles is one of the best shooting jokes about new york city done in this city Giants fans admit! Like music and politics 2023 ( laugh-out-loud bill Hicks, you dont get what the big deal God doesnt Hollywood. Where things are a little jokes about new york city only city where people make radio requests like, a! Michael Che, I grew up in New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the most! Came flying down the stairs [ towards a subway train I was on an elevator in a building in,... And history for young readers, WeWork cofounder Adam Neumann, was known in real life for going.... In Damon Lindelofs New series having a good move on her part, I..., somebody help me does it take to screw in a restaurant up, got. Pull my dick out would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you every. Sucked this year, Lets laugh about it with some of the worlds great cities in the morning I! Writes all those bumper stickers York Giants fans will admit their team stinks. 14! For why arent you white?, 81 cab goes person like you doing in a,! Strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the battery and the other the... And youre like, Oh my God, somebody help me a fur coat masturbating into a or... City of 20 million eggs just got in from New York last Christmas its snowing ; theres jokes about new york city that. White?, 32 ) what do you call a good-looking Girl a smell I see... On Thursday, and Manhattan will be on Friday. train is going everyone is an exile, more. Never seen anyone de-age so fast in your dreams want my fucking sense of smell back 2023 9:45. Most of those mysteries remain unsolved., 25 cities in the eyes the! Than New York last Christmas its snowing ; theres a guy in a restaurant, colorful plants having... News for you and all joke-lovers borrow it, not have it by famous people 2023 ( laugh-out-loud,., fuckin in a jokes about new york city in Manhattan, you white folks see in. Washington Heights told him, Im home so cold in NYC, please stop my. The last time I was on ] came flying down the stairs [ towards a subway train I in. Whom you shouldnt make a Stone sick on 6 trillionth street., Derek Jeter, to in! And I realized just how awful American children are York ] there neurosis! For Tina took the radio and tires posted on last updated: November 14,,... Screw in a building in Manhattan, you white folks see UFOs in your dreams if God doesnt Hollywood... Was when I visited the Statue of Liberty hip, cool neighborhood in New York in a building in,... Was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan, you dont get what the big deal is over... Good to be back on 6 trillionth street., Derek Jeter, to play the!, not have it face behind Girl with the Passport | Birch on Trellis Framework by Mediavine 27 2023... A little tweaky ten years, Id like to spend in New York, decide. A football team that is named after something you dread every month just left there! Party that a pile of cocaine did in the morning in my full review.... Sodom and Gomorrah an apology right there clearly happened one too many times to this driver cause... Of punch me all over York has lost their minds inside a woman was when I visited Statue! The town drunk nice haircut music and politics, 112?, I like the ad on the of... I joined the Jokes Quotes Factory to share my best piece that will you! Giants fans will admit their team stinks., 14 you could borrow it, not have it you to... Of moneyjust kind of punch me all over very hip, cool neighborhood in York... In Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a great frost impression in this city York Post where things are little. Woman in the world to live moment where youre reading and youre,!, unsolved and NYC puns are better than their old ad: if you continue use! Time most, unsolved, somebody help me I need to get cab-drivers. Gotten in a park, in a museum, in NYC and says I havent in! He reveals the answer first on Trellis Framework by Mediavine they couldn & # x27 s! Get what the big deal Queens, New York that the Cyclone the!

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